


What fucking ever

by Sabmarault



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:22:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28830348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabmarault/pseuds/Sabmarault
Summary: its just what comes to mind. it may not be particularly good, but it is true to me and perhaps to you.
Kudos: 3





	1. pluto.

pluto.  
they say you’re not who you are  
that you don’t meet the bar  
that you’re not enough  
and that you’ll never be enough

i know who you are  
you are beyond and very far  
i feel the pull of your orbit  
drawing me to my spiritual summit

all they had of you was a blurry sight  
a faint print on a canvas of night  
a reflection to us against the lack of light  
and they took away the title that was your right

but i knew  
i always knew  
i knew then, i know now  
i’ll know tomorrow  
that you are enough


	2. senseless rhapsody.

I’d like to say i'm kind  
I’d like to say i care  
I’d like to say i’ll be there to find  
that I’ll always be there 

But that would be a lie 

i'm not always there  
my mind is frequently unaware  
and there’s often not much of myself left to find 

whoever i am 

we sing in the car  
"i sometimes wish I’d never been born at all"  
i don’t think i want to die  
i cry the line so loudly  
yet it seems to me it's on deaf ears it falls 

but what constitutes as kind?  
it’s hard for me to care  
to be there  
to keep my mind aware  
i hardly know myself at all

i go through the motions  
i listen, i advise  
i’m there to wipe your eyes

because sometimes i don’t care about you  
sometimes you talk and i just wish you would stop  
you speak and all i want to say is “shut up”  
i want to grab your shoulders and shake  
but i don’t.  
i lend you mine for when you sob and break  
is this kindness?

maybe it’s my depression talking  
slotting itself along your words  
making me not want you  
making me dislike you

so i stay

somedays i will love you  
even though the cries i don’t say fall on deaf ears  
and on other days i won't be able to care less about you  
and i’ll still give you whatever is left of me.


	3. watching their world and needing my own.

i don't hate the world, i just want my own to live in  
as an omnivert, i love spending time among people  
to talk to them and watch them live their lives  
to be human just as i am 

i love going to the beach and watch the old couple take a stroll  
hand in hand, nowhere to be but each others arms  
i love to see their unhurried footsteps leave mortal footprints in their wake,  
their mark on the sand as fleeting as our lives in this realm

i love going to the waterfront and gaze upon the young couple playing chess  
their minds uncaring for the hustle and bustle around them,  
i love the knowledge that their ears exist solely to hear the brush of their fingers,  
their eyes dedicated only for each other and the battle upon the board between their bodies 

i live these lives with an outsiders eyes and my heart is slowly pounding.

but still, i need a space that is i  
that i can live without pardon  
where i may be myself without apology,  
to exist in my mind or lie in silk sheets, deliberately and with abandon.


	4. the Adonis in the back of my mind

I think i fell in love once in a bookstore

For i have felt nary a flutter nor a ‘fly since then 

Oh my heart, numb and barren

No curl nor thigh has caught my eye and shook me to my core

No, not like my Adonis had done with the beauty he bore

Oh, how i would love to see this god among men again!

Oh, the things i would do to see him once more! 

The things i would give to feel that way again...

Oh, Innumerable, they are!- for even only once more.


End file.
